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  • Who's The Monster And Who's The Man?


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    "I left because I didn't want to be the reason for what you're trying to accomplish being destroyed, or you for that matter,"

     

    Brow cocked as he ate, unsure why she was putting his troubles on her shoulders.  Nice that she seemed to believe in what he was trying to accomplish, she was severely underestimating the social power of the Were.  He’d learned the social dance, how to be political and a pillar in the community.  He chalked it up to her not knowing him or how far his reach was.  There was more, he could feel it, why did she think she could destroy his work single-handedly?  She was mostly likely not working alone.  The Welsh Were sat unmoving for several moments as he just let her come to terms with what she was trying to say, waiting for her guilty eyes to flick to him.  They were met with nothing but quiet.  Why would he be angry with her? Worse confessions had come from closer people in his life.  Worse deeds at worse times. She had not betrayed him, and seriously doubted she ever would but that decision seemed to be taking its toll on her own sanity.

     

    "I'm in the Vanguard Kai.  I don't go killing...other things,  I just fix the equipment.  Sure I still play around with bombs at home and such but all they ever asked me to do is fix their wheels.  I'm not naive about them either, I know they can be assholes and murderers as much as anyone else.  They do however have definite policies about if you find an infected person.  I know damn well what they would do to you if I told them, which I haven't.  I'm not very good about secrets though and I know that so it seemed to me the best idea was just to leave and never be around you again.  Then you could keep doing what you were doing.  I mean you had a handle on things, you were doing work the Vanguard should have been doing in the first place.  Why should I report you?  Just because you're infected?  You didn't ask for that and you were doing more good than some of the people I work with.  Case in point the asshole that tried to kill you with his girlfriend.  If I found that fucking idiot I'd put a round in his head myself.  Either way you were as good and productive a citizen as a were could be and not really making waves.  I figured just leave it alone and cut out so you could...well keep living."

     

    He was eerily quiet, listening to her rambling tirade with interest, watching the inflections in her face as she continued to question her decisions.  It made sense, the anger and confusion he’d felt when she left his class, offering nothing to ease her discomfort as it all seemed to come pouring out.  Finishing his fork full, a soft blink met the tiny tantrum and the glance toward his gun, her frustrated fingers in her hair bringing a flicker from his brow for the first time.

     

    There were times in his practice when it was almost unbearable- close to a full moon, just coming off a full moon- when the cat refused to be a passive observer.  It could be violent, possessive and unpredictable, but it could also be instinctual.  It had been awake now far beyond its welcome, never quite able to shut it down since returning and dealing with the reality of losing the only person he could reasonably say he cared about.  Agitated and exhausted, angry at being subdued by the Were, it pushed against his skin like a tired big cat thumping its head against zoo glass… feeling the deep metaphysical growl when he picked up the scent of tears that were being held back.

     

    "It's all so fucking messed up,"

     

    Logical brain was flipping into shrink mode, instinct was desperately fighting something else. He stood quietly, padding to a cupboard. He didn’t have shot glasses, so highballs would have to do.  A few cubes of ice were placed in his, nothing for hers, returning to the table and cracking open the bottle to fill just the bottom and place it in front of her; barely dusting the cubes with his next to his food.  Cap was left off and the bottle was set between them.  There was no way in hell he could keep up with her and wasn’t going to try.  What he did know was that she seemed to reach for it to comfort her, and though it wasn’t the greatest of habits, it was what made her calm.

     

    Brows flickered moment, lips pressing together in attempts to calm his own rage under his skin.  A constant battle for dominance; a man with nothing but immaculate control, against a cat that just wanted to dominate and do whatever the fuck it wanted.  Fingers paused, pressing into soft fists knowing it was bad.  Bad…  bad.  Bad.  Lifting from behind her to gently urge her fists to release from her hair and to eat and take the glass he’d poured, nimble fingers released the ponytail that had seen better days to draw fingers through it and capture all the frays and return it to the ponytail.

     

    God damn it Kai!

     

    He sat again, an echoed euphoria from the cat throbbing on his skin from the contact. Glass was lifted, taking a sniff to crinkle the bridge of his nose and make the beast disappear back into the shadows of his gut...  It was set aside and replaced with the carton as he continued to eat.

     

    [kai]The Vanguard doesn’t concern me Mack.[/kai]

     

    It was said with such ease, incredible dismissal.  Of course, her being in his apartment could very well be some sort of ruse.  A Vanguard team could come crashing through his window at any moment.  There was no way any of them would survive, and even so… he didn’t think for a moment that Mack would have done that to him.

     

    [kai]The things I’ve done, seen, survived. The Vanguard isn’t even a blip on my radar.[/kai]

     

    Feline eyes rose to her, folding the top of the empty carton closed to reach and pick up an eggroll.  There was no doubt in the expression he meant what he said.  How could he explain to someone that he’d been inside the reason for the end of the world as they knew it?  That it had sucked him in, chewed him up and spit him out with such impunity?

     

    [kai]I’m a well-known person in the community.  Besides devastating political repercussions for attacking me, you need to remember who I was before I was this.  I was a killer of killers.[/kai]

     

    He had come to terms with it a long time ago, but it was still hard to say out loud.  Letting it sink in for a moment, even to himself, voice remained calm.  It had always been calm, maybe hiding the horrible dangers underneath, maybe he was just never supposed to be this person and the universe had gipped him out of a normal life.

     

    [kai]I’m unusual, infected through circumstance and not from being attacked…but we were all people, we didn’t ask for this. We still have the ability of logic, to reason, some more than others… just like any normal human being.  We have a greater responsibility, and just like your Vanguard there are Were’s that refuse to take responsibility for that.  I have never, and will never be above eliminating one of my kind if they refuse to take responsibility for the danger they present.  If a Vanguard points a gun at me, I would kill them just the same.  I know when I can be amongst the world, and when I can’t.  It’s no different now than when I was human.[/kai]

     

    Unusually pronounced canines sliced the eggroll in half, chewing slowly and glancing at the timer on the oven.  He could pretty much smell when they were finished anyway, but it was still a habit.

     

    [kai]…and you, can’t take my safety on your shoulders.  It’s not your responsibility, you're not being fair to yourself.[/kai]

     

    He finished the eggroll and peered into another carton at the contents, not exactly sure what it was.

     

    [kai]So. Eat some cookies, drink some whiskey.  Crash on the couch and get a good night’s sleep.  It should stop raining by morning.  Deadbolt keys are on the table by the door when you need to leave.  Stop worrying for a night.  I would never blame you if they came crashing through my windows, but I would make you clean my carpets when I was done with them.[/kai]

     

    He got up, carrying the carton with him as he pulled the oven door open and removed the next batch to transfer to cool.  The seemingly domestic Were had said all the right things to put her at ease for her choices, externally the picture of a calm and collected counselor.

     

    Inside.

     

    Inside was a twisted turmoil. Possession.  Hate.  Fear.  Fear for Mrs. Kolcheck, fear for Mack’s position.  The cat had claimed them both, and he would have to come to terms with it before the next moon or the repercussions could be catastrophic.  Subconscious hate, vendetta… always seemed to drive the violence he couldn’t control when the beast took over.  He had to be on the other side of the room from her for a moment until he could get a handle on things.  He shouldn’t have touched her, unable to shake the feeling he was now fucked... she had fed the stray.

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    Mack struggled to get a hold of herself as she heard move.  Well she didn't technically hear him move so much as heard the clinking of glass that had her blinking up curiously.  She watched with a sleepy kind of disconnection as he went pouring two glasses of whiskey.  She noted the ice in his and remembered how he said he wasn't much of a drinker.  Guess she drove him to drink?  She couldn't say that wasn't something that made her cringe. 

     

    She eyed the glass when he set it down, knowing that it was probably a bad idea until she got more food in her.  Not to mention if she wanted to drive home here eventually.  Didn't matter if she wanted to or not, she could hardly stay here. 

     

    Her thoughts were distracted then from mild surprise as she felt fingers in her hair.  She caught herself holding her breath and tensing, remembering how she'd react when particularly large dogs would run up and start sniffing at her at a kid.  You didn't run because that made one an instant target but damn was it hard to do.  As it was she simply sat blinking wide eyes with far to many feelings pulling at her innards to make room for butterflies in the stomach.  She wasn't use to anyone playing with her hair but she had to admit it was kind of relaxing in an odd way.  There was also just the loaded irony of a were petting her head there and putting the ponytail back in.

     

    Though somewhat soothed Mack frowned as Kai seemed dismissive of the Vanguard.  She could understand the why he had that attitude, he had survived a lot of crap that she would have been a smear on the pavement from.  At the same time though how often did Mack exploit that very same dismissive attitude?  If she could do it there was certain to be more Vanguards that did with far more deadly results.  However there wasn't much she could do to counter Kai's attitude short of pulling his own gun on him in an effort to prove her point, and she was trying not to be suicidal here.  She wanted to knock her head against the counter as Kai mentioned being a member of the community and repercussions if the Vanguard went after him.  Didn't he realize that some people in the Vanguard were just like him from before?  They were trained to kill problematic people and things in the way.

     

    Still, Mack listened and did not interrupt.  Arguing would have been pointless and just upset everyone.  They were both on emotional thin ice as is.  She didn't want to think of what might happen if they got in an argument.  Kai said he wouldn't hurt her and she pretty much believed him but she didn't know if there was an instant rage button on weres or if she wouldn't lose her own temper and end up making him have to defend himself.  Given her bad nights, rough days, and general temperament that was likely not a good thing.  Much as she was relieved about Kai not holding it against the Vanguard to put down his..."kin" as it was if they were threats, she wasn't sure she agreed about her being responsible for his safety.

     

    "It's not just your safety though you know.  You being unsafe becomes about public safety really quick," she pointed out as she started picking at her food.  Eating at least but slowly on it.  "Kind of how things go nowadays I guess.  You either have something that can become a public concern or you're nothing and one of the fleeing masses terrorized by it."

     

    Just the concept of a world of haves and have nots was enough to make Mack scowl.  She didn't particularly like the idea of being a victim or a pet, specially not after having some punk of a magus try and force just that kind of thing on her.  It might have just been over a drink but dammit Mack had said no and Sandman there could have taken that answer and been fine...though the whole Vacily trying to kill him and the old russian bastard being her boss kinda put an axe in that she supposed.  People took it personal when the boss of an organization tried to kill you.

     

    She couldn't help but grin a bit though as Kai pretty much told her to relax...and that she would have to clean things up if a Vanguard squad dropped in.

     

    "Nuh-uh, I am not cleaning up fur and blood from whatever massacre you do.  I ain't your maid and I sure as hell ain't getting paid for it.  You can clean your own carpets," she snorted out with a snotty nose in the air before shaking her head and taking a swig of the whiskey.  She'd probably eat enough to counter it before she had to leave. 

     

    "Seriously though I can't stay.  You need sleep too there and my waking up after a few hours screaming in bloody terror is not really conducive to that.  I'll pack on the food and make sure to chug some water after this and be safe enough to make it to my own bed later.  Just might be groggier than normal at work tomorrow is all," she said then as she started back in on the food with somewhat renewed gusto.  It was a relief to know that Kai didn't hate her and was so far not so upset as to rip her head off.  She just wasn't sure where that put them now though.  They weren't exactly friends but it was hard to just claim him as an acquaintance in her head.

     

     

     

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    "It's not just your safety though you know.  You being unsafe becomes about public safety really quick,"

     

    [kai]Just like the assholes in your Vanguard? [/kai]  he used her own words, the comment dry before he took another bite of something he couldn’t identify.  Some kind of lo mien? It was good whatever it was.  [kai]I’m not responsible for public safety, I’ve not taken that on my shoulders and corrupted it like your Vanguard has.  I’m responsible for myself, and I take that very seriously.[/kai]

     

    He was trying to make it cordial, in public he was amiable and kind.  In the privacy of his own home, it was amplified- with a certain vulnerability that she was beginning to peck at most likely without knowing it.  His attempt at humor in her cleaning the carpets if they decided to crash his party was met with more picking.  If he was such a monster, why was she still here?  Brow ticked upward as she continued to find buttons he didn’t know he had.

     

    "Nuh-uh, I am not cleaning up fur and blood from whatever massacre you do.  I ain't your maid and I sure as hell ain't getting paid for it.  You can clean your own carpets,"

     

    His easy company had turned into something a bit more reserved, the cat seeming to start to pull away.  His patience was eternal, but being continually called something he was not was starting to wear on him, brows relaxing when she seemed to find humor in her words and he had to gain some distance.  Setting aside a second empty carton, he began puttering in the kitchen to finish the last batch of cookies and begin to clean up.

     

    [kai]Please don’t call me a furball.[/kai]  words were almost inaudible.

     

    Bowl was rinsed in the sink slowly, thumb carefully wiping each of the rivulets of dough from the inside to keep from clogging the dishwasher.  He set it in the other side of the sink and started the task of scraping any dried on dough from the cookie sheet.

      

    "Seriously though I can't stay.  You need sleep too there and my waking up after a few hours screaming in bloody terror is not really conducive to that.  I'll pack on the food and make sure to chug some water after this and be safe enough to make it to my own bed later.  Just might be groggier than normal at work tomorrow is all,"

     

    The connection that she was waking up from nightmares wasn’t made, only that she was making one more jab that she was afraid of him. Him.  The monster.  Someone she wasn’t supposed to be around but was.  Someone she was supposed to report, but wasn’t… then lamenting at the precarious position she’d put herself in.  Fingers slowed as they scrubbed the cookie sheet, impulsive aggression kept sharply in check.  He wanted nothing more at the moment than to crush the damn cookie sheet and throw it.  Not for emphasis, or to terrify… because he was frustrated.  A muscle ticked in his neck, pulling open the dishwasher to deposit everything into it and begin to wipe down the counters with calm precision until the washcloth stopped and was dropped into the sink. Hands gripped the counter at the sink as he leaned on it, chin dropping to his chest as he forced himself to listen to the music that was still so quiet on the radio she probably hadn’t noticed it yet.

     

    [kai]Why are you here if you’re scared of me?[/kai]  fingers were gripping the counter, muscles in his arms a bit taught as it groaned slightly under his clutch.  [kai]I’ve given you nothing to be afraid of other than my word that I’m a Were.[/kai]

     

    He let go of the counter with a jerk and snatched a large plate from the cupboard, transferring the cooled cookies onto it methodically.

     

    [kai]You want something to be afraid of, I can give you something to be afraid of,[/kai]  a drawer snapped open, the plate covered domestically in plastic wrap. He would take some to Mrs. Kolcheck in the morning- the absolute contradiction of his words to his deeds at the moment almost humorous.   [kai]I can throw a table if that’s what you want to justify your hate, if it will make you feel better about your decision to come here.  But don’t you dare come into my house under the guise of helping me and insult me with bullshit based stereotypes.[/kai]

     

    The plate wobbled as he finished covering it.

     

    [kai]I'm not a furball.  I’m not a dog, I’m not a wolf. I’m not going to “wolf out” when you piss me off.  I’m not going to kill you.  I’m not going to eat you.[/kai] 

     

    What he was going to do, was fold clothes.  Footsteps were already moving as he heard the machine roll to a stop. Brows had come down, pausing long enough to fill his highball with whiskey as he left the light of the kitchen for the dim of his apartment.  Skin was hot... he was upset but finally quiet as things were pulled out, her clothes folded neatly and set on the top for when she wanted them, transferring his from the washer to the dryer and starting it.  He took his normal perch on the couch, glass clinked on the coffee table, arm behind his head as he flicked the television on and began to flip through channels.  He was no closer to sleep than he’d been hours ago.  Body was exhausted, but his brain would not shut off... eying the glass more than once before suddenly reaching to pick it up and begin to knock it back in a hissed seethe.  Bad, to worse.

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    Mack seethed a bit, biting her tongue against snapping out about Kai's comments on public safety and the Vanguard.  She was well aware that in some cases the Vanguard wasn't so great but they were certainly better than the alternatives.  ARMA from what she'd see on the news and heard was a bunch of hotshot kids throwing a temper tantrum at their parent.  Said parent Mack didn't even want to think of having free run on the city.  Just the idea of a group like the trio from the Black Mask running things had Mack shivering.  She didn't want to think of how that might have ended, be it from Sandman's attentions or Red leaving Mack in whatever hell they had been in.

     

    But Kai didn't know about that part of things likely.  He struggled with something about himself where as Mack constantly seemed to have to struggle with forces far beyond her just to survive.  Maybe it wasn't as different as they thought but Mack realized that if humanity, or society if people preferred to think of it that way, was going to survive people needed to be concerned for the other guy as well as themselves.  If they lost that then they were all well and truly screwed.

     

    So for right that minute she did her best to swallow the angry and sarcastic anger that boiled in her gut and stuffed herself with food after making a joke back about cleaning up the mess.  Humor usually helped defuse a situation after all right?

     

    Apparently not this time though.

    Kai muttered something that Mack missed and suddenly seemed far to interesting in scrubbing up his kitchen.  While there didn't seem to be anything amiss Mack had the definite impression of anger in his movements.  Maybe it was how intent he was on cleaning or just things being done with a pinch more force but somewhere she had made him upset in her wisecrack and her explanation about why she couldn't stay.  She kept trying to think of where she'd gone wrong but her mind was a blank 

     

    It was probably good that her mouth was full of food when Kai started talking because his first comment would have been liable to have Mack saying more than a few unkind words.  As it was her spine snapped straight and there was a definite glare of anger in her eyes when he said she was scared of him.  She seemed to recall clarifying that point and now he was back on it?

     

    She chewed viciously, cheeks full of food as she tried to hurry up and swallow before the verbal butt kicking she was gonna give that man.  Thanks to her stomach though she had to sit silent while he went about all domestic like and verbally lashed at her for her hate.  She supposed that had been there before but he'd been trying to swallow it for politeness sake or something.  This seemed about right for the reaction to her being in the Vanguard.  His constant barking that she was afraid though was pissing her off though he did hit a few things on the head that she'd been thinking.

     

    Her eye was twitching by the time he was done and she managed to swallow.  She tried very hard to breathe and remind herself she was a guest in his house and she wasn't here to piss him off.  She was suppose to be helping him calm down so he wasn't so close to snapping and taking someone apart like he had his car.  It might not have been what she was good at but she was the only one around to do it, which was something of the story of her life it seemed.

     

    But she was pissed off, sleep deprived, had just enough drinks in her that judgement was starting to slip, and she wasn't going to take this shit anymore!

     

    She snapped up her whiskey and downed it in one gulp as he got settled on the couch before she whipped around and all but stormed over.  The remote was snatched right out of Kai's hand as he chugged his own whiskey.  TV flipped off and remote tossed on the floor with total disregard for if it smashed to a million pieces or not.  

     

    Mack grabbed the coffee table edge as she moved around, pulling it towards a bit as she sat on it so she was at least sitting eye and eye with Kai.  She wasn't in his face, she was sure that was a good way to start a physical fight she didn't want, but it was obvious that neither was she just going to let this pass even if she had to chase him around his place.

     

    "One," she started, holding a finger up in between them.  Her voice for once was quieter than her normal angry shouting.  There was fury lurking in it though like a banked fire.  "I am not afraid of you.  The very worst you can do to me right now would be to kill me and I can die just as easily riding my bike home.  I dismantled bombs for a living so as I said before, Death and I are old friends.  He just has a habit of visiting a hell of a lot more and trying to get me to go out with him now.  It is completely logical for me to be cautious, if only for the fact that I've seen what you can do when really upset.  You did it to your truck and while you say you won't hurt me I can imagine plenty of situations where you damn well could.  Do not confuse my caution for being afraid of you again or I swear to God I will knock your damn teeth out like I did the last guy that insinuated I was a coward."

     

    "Two," she stated then with some more force, not letting Kai get a word in.  "I do not hate you so don't go assuming you know how I feel about anything.  If I hated you would I have kept you being a Were a secret from the Vanguard?  Would I have given you a lift to the hospital when you needed one and didn't want to wait on a cab?  Would I even be here trying to offer a bit of comfort because nothing sucks more than being alone in the world and not knowing what's going to happen to a loved one?"

     

    Mack couldn't stay sitting then, frustration getting the better of her and having her stand to throw her arms in the air.  "Shit, my life would be a hell of a lot easier if I could hate you so how about you stop throwing the hate group stereotype in my face when I'm trying to treat you like a  person instead of a monster.  Maybe I'm not doing a perfect job at it but I'm only fucking human and when dealing with something like you, I'm usually trying to not die after finding out I was in the wrong place at the worst possible time again!"

     

    Her fists planted on her hips as she did her best to reign in her temper before things got to out of hand.  It seemed harder than usual to do really from everything weighing on her.  Even more as she returned to the basics of his original question in her head.

     

    Why was she here?

     

     

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    He could feel it as he spoke, the shiver in the air that signaled anger.  He was angry, holding it tightly into a little ball in the pit of his gut where the cat lived… his past lived, every horrible thing he’d ever done in his entire life so tightly packed away it rarely saw the light of day.  It wasn’t in the air from him, it was coming from her. Breath shivered slightly, feeling the seethe start to coax through his impenetrable shell of rage.  If he was threatened, the cage cracked open, whatever means necessary used to neutralize that threat.  He wasn’t being threatened.  It simply hung in the air, static that was looking for a place to go.

     

    He didn’t stick around in the kitchen after he said his peace long enough for it to tick through his tolerance, finding mundane tasks combined with the shitty bad decision to drink enough to keep his brain occupied for the moment… settling in to a black and white classic movie as the remote was snatched from his fingers and the light flicked off to hide most of her face in shadows.  Pupils dilated, the set of his jaw a familiar clench and purse to his lips- a thousand times other cheek turned to a berating superior.  Eyes were focused on a point on the wall just to the left of her face, the unnerving averted gaze of a trained soldier unreactive to her tirade.

     

    The Were listened without moving, unconsciously drawing air over his palate that put his teeth on edge.  Static raised the hair on the back of his neck and laced over his skin.  She needed to move.  She needed to move away from him now… resisting the need to draw a breath that was being held when he realized the cat was feeding off her aggression.  Ears were listening, brain focused on the music that hovered in the air from the kitchen.  Muscles had geared up for a move, he had to get out of her proximity- the odd feeling of a cool breeze lingering in swirls over his skin, ready to get up and increase the distance…

     

    She moved.

     

    Breathe oozed outward as she spoke of dying.  The worst thing wasn’t dying.  Dying was a release, an absolution of all the pain and worry. It was never a way out.  He’d seen the way she’d looked at his gun, and it wasn’t to put a bullet in him.

     

     [kai]The worst thing you can have happen to you is keep to living and feel nothing.[/kai]

     

    Feline eyes finally flicked to her when she was finished, having paused to make sure she’d said her peace.  He never raised his voice, the timbre like a hummed smoke over vocal chords that had been saturated with whiskey.  The feline bypassed everything, going straight for what was not said between the lines… he was a shrink after all- a shrink with a Jaguar currently pounding thunder through his blood, licking at the anger zipping in the air- but a shrink nonetheless.

     

    [kai]Mack, you're doing what’s right.  You understand the world is gray and not black and white.  You take an amazing amount of responsibility on your shoulders with everyone around you being nobody you can confide in.  Other people’s behavior is not your fault, and it will kill you inside to take on their shortcomings. They’re not yours to solve.[/kai]

     

    One hand was still perched across his stomach, his other on his thigh where it had fallen once she’d pluck the remote from it.  Couch creaked as he leaned forward with his forearms on his knees.  It was amazing him how calm he was, the level of static in the air, the scent of anger on her skin, alcohol thrumming at the back of his skull.  The whiskey was slipping his self-control slightly sideways, knowing he should have been alarmed at his unruffled countenance and the fact he was talking about things he would never had said to anyone.

     

    [kai]I’m grateful for your help.  I would have done the exact same thing without you here, but would have done it alone.  Surrounded by people too, always alone- none I can confide in.  It’s nice to have, someone here.[/kai]

     

    Fractured irises focused on his hands as his fingers wove together between his knees.

     

    [kai]…but if you’re not feeding from a stereotype, then why do you keep calling me a thing? A furball.  I’m not something.  I’m not a thing. I’m not an animal.  I would never hurt you.  I’m still a human being. At least I think I am?[/kai]

     

    Eyes looked up at her through the furled expressive brows, feeling distinctly like the night was over in a mess of… mess.  Disaster would have been more accurate.

     

    [kai]Maybe I never was.[/kai]

     

    It couldn’t be true, gaze back on his hands… thumbs rubbing over the tips of his middle fingers where his fingerprints should have been.  They never seemed to do anything constructive.  He felt something, on rare occasions.  He cared about Mrs. Kolcheck, he cared that Mack was upset.  He knew what he enjoyed doing. Was it learned or was it real?  Drawing a long breath, he stood, hands sliding into the pockets of his scrub pants.

     

    [kai]Gonna try and get some sleep.[/kai]  Lie.  He would lay there like he did every night and stare at the ceiling.  [kai]Keys are on the table by the door, clothes are dry and folded on the dryer.  See you around, Mack.[/kai]

     

    Was it learned, or was it real?  He began to move around her, skin hot.  He was angry?  When had he become angry?  …he wasn’t, canines on edge as he passed, a shine of brilliant kelly green from narrowed eyes the only signal he was no longer tightly keeping himself in check.  Footsteps slowed, not wanting her to leave.  Hands pulled from his pockets to slide fingertips to the wisps at the nape of her neck that had the audacity to slip out of his ponytail handiwork.  Thumbs brushed her cheeks, leaning down for a lingering nuzzle under her ear … her skin smelled amazing, it always had.  Pause was brief, finding her lips to steal a kiss that assured her he wasn’t a monster, and wanted to pull her from her troubles…  expecting to be hit, punched… pushed off, screamed at... shot… the cat not caring in the slightest, rumbled growl content in his chest before he withdrew with an odd satiated euphoria.

     

    The step back was tortuous, swallow thick… flickered glance not quite making it to her as hands were once again imprisoned stiffly in his pockets before padding in retreat toward his own room.

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    Mack had to resist the urge to grab Kai and shake him when he got the ever familiar look of someone who took one to many berates from their commanding officer.  She probably got that look a number of times herself but it usually meant you tuned out and were only listening for the important words.  She didn't like feeling like some brow beating stuck up officer but there wasn't much to be done about it.  At least she'd said her piece, though how much Kai absorbed of it was another matter altogether.

     

    Her brows drew low and she frowned as Kai commented that living and feeling nothing was the worst thing to happen to someone.  Frankly Mack had many different ideas of the worst things that could happen.  Hell she had a nightmare every night this month on just that subject.  To Mack the worst possible thing that could happen was to turn into a monster, then she really would put a bullet in her brainpan and end it.  Thankfully there was only so many things that could actually happen to make that a reality...and she was technically sitting with one.  Thank God for the existence of vaccines and such or she would have never been within ten feet of Kai in the first place.

     

    Mack had to struggle against the shiver in her spine as Kai spoke.  One part of her felt validated hearing she was doing the right thing.  It was the only way anyone was going to manage to stay human after all in a world where the term was being redefined.  It was the tone that had her wanting to squirm for reasons unknown and she wasn't about to appear weak so she stiffened her spine for a moment before trying to focus on the words instead.

     

    She couldn't help but snort a bit and a sardonic grin creeping over her face.  "Must be the mechanic in me.  Always have to fix things.  It's not like I have anything else to devote attention to so might as well be fixing the world one person and car at a time."

     

    The grin turned a little more natural and less cutting as Kai spoke again.  As a fellow loner that kept long hours she could think of more than a few times having someone there would have been helpful.  She did cringe a bit from his question of her calling him a thing.  She would have to remember he was sensitive about that kind of thing.  

     

    "Perverse habit mainly I would think.  I always nickname people and you're the only Were I've met...or at least that I've met and has told me.  Hence you are now Furball, because you know, you sprout fur at some point.  I do it to everyone honestly, even my best friend is Sunshine to me.  I'll try to remember not to though..." she stated, trailing off as Kai looked up and suddenly seemed very lost.

     

    His comment that maybe he never was human upset her almost as much as her being called a coward.  She reached out to stop him as he stood, to make sure he didn't go anywhere before releasing him.  Mindful that he kept avoiding touching and while she didn't know why she would try to be respectful of his wishes.  

     

    "Don't talk like that, ever.  That's when you start turning into a monster," she pointed out.  Maybe it was a naive way to think but it was a line Mack clung to for sanity sake alone.  One was not a monster until they stopped caring for others and no longer regarded themselves as human.  When they removed themselves from being part of society.  People like the Sandman, who reeked of his attitude towards the rest of people, those were monsters.  Kai wasn't there yet, his actions said that but it was likely far to easily changed when one gotten beaten with being a monster day in and day out.  Mack was in the military before and it was easy to remember times she came home and had less then pleasant people tell her she was a monster for doing her job.  To get that kind of situation all the time...well it had to cause some wounds.

     

    Her ponytail waggled as Mack nodded from Kai saying good night.  She was tempted to make him sit and talk more but what would she even say?  She felt like she had been a hindrance more than a help in this situation.  Her head hung at the sense of failure and being a loss of how to make things any better beyond saying good night.

     

    She made herself look up, taking a breath to wish Kai just that and losing it just as quickly.  Her own eyes going wide and her hands coming up in a habit women had been perfecting since they realized they didn't have to sit there when men approached.  Her spine went stiff from surprise and her heart jumped to double time with fingers toying in her hair and on her cheeks.

     

    "K-Kai?" she managed to whisper, nervous and breathless as he went nuzzling under her ear and making her eyes want to cross.  Mack had never been much of a necker but apparently that was an interesting spot on her since she was suddenly wondering if her knees would give out.

     

    There were alarms going off in her head.  A resounding chorus of how very bad this was to go along with a solo of "Danger Mack Zielinski! Danger!" but it was all difficult to pay attention to when the body was more than a little starved.  She could feel her fingers curling into Kai's shirt even as his lips touched hers.

     

    Mind and body grid locked for dominance.  Her mind screeching at how much bad this was as her hands pulled slightly on his shirt so she could feel how warm he was.  A sigh rolling out with the slightest whimper of protest when he stopped before she turned red and forced her hands to let go of him.  As it was she was mildly wondering if she'd put holes in the material.

     

    He didn't say anything, hell he didn't even look at her.  It was like he was ashamed of himself for some reason and it was confusing to Mack.  She could admit that he was good looking and caring and such but she had zero illusions about them ending up as anything.  Hell she almost felt like trying to apply the term friends to them was stretching reality.  Still she didn't understand the body language that was there as he turned and headed for his room.

     

    "Kai?" she said quietly, not quite able to get her voice to be louder.  Be it because she was still trying to remember how to breathe or because she felt like raising her voice would destroy something she wasn't sure.

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    Her face was so expressive, giving him exactly what was floating through her mind before it was either swallowed or spat out at him with a vengeance.  It was incredible to watch, so many that came to speak to him would hide behind the sour faces, or guilty expression, leaving him to try and pick apart complicated situations over several weeks of one hour sessions.  Then there was the crying, another plethora of putting together a puzzle when they couldn’t get words out in-between sobs.  When her brows pulled downward into a frown, he waited carefully to see what was coming behind it, almost disappointed when she held her tongue- allowed a small peek into the window of her psyche.  She seemed upset at his comment about worse things to live with… it didn’t surprise him that there may have been more.  If she was aware of how the Vanguard could be, she’d joined it for a reason.  The only reason he could think of was to either fight monsters, or feel safe from them.  It brought a lot of things together… watching the grin at his words.  His lips matched it, he liked making people smile… with her it seemed harder than most.

      

    "Must be the mechanic in me.  Always have to fix things.  It's not like I have anything else to devote attention to so might as well be fixing the world one person and car at a time."

     

    Nodding, his expression had perked a bit, brought back from the edge of oblivion and callus tolerance.  Good at being yelled at, the Were slipped so quickly back to a numb place he’d been so often; she was pretty good at prodding him back out… which, was why he kept talking.  Of course the little nudge from some liquid courage was pulling up the gate normally between him and everyone else in the world.  Definitely… not expecting her to give what was akin to an apology about calling him a furball.  Though amused, a slight upturn on his lip faded when her voice trailed off.

     

    "Perverse habit mainly I would think.  I always nickname people and you're the only Were I've met...or at least that I've met and has told me.  Hence you are now Furball, because you know, you sprout fur at some point.  I do it to everyone honestly, even my best friend is Sunshine to me.  I'll try to remember not to though..."

     

    Eyes flicked to her attempt to stop him from leaving as he stood, then back to her expression. Had he hit a nerve when he’d confessed he might have always been a monster?  It was difficult to even think about that his life was nothing more than a training curve for what was inevitable.  Destined to be some kind of freak.

     

    "Don't talk like that, ever.  That's when you start turning into a monster,"

     

    Why he did it…

     

    Why indeed, watching the ponytail move as she nodded at his goodnight, the slip of silky hair he’d so deftly snuck a touch of taunting him again.  Fingers had been moving slightly as the unconscious thought of what to do next solidified without his permission.  He felt her stiffen and ready herself to push him off,  he knew she would… he really was a monster…?  Eyes narrowed slightly at her greens, feeling the quickened pulse on her skin.  She had adamantly demanded of him several times that she was not afraid of him, which made the alternative all too clear and tickling the inside of his nostrils; warmth, a burn on his skin from her own blood licking at the cat he kept shoved down so deep.

      

    "K-Kai?"

     

    [kai]..hmm?[/kai]

     

    Answer was instinctual, not really expecting an answer as the nuzzle lingered under her ear, refuting all kinds of voices in his head that were telling him to do things.  Mack was not one of his mistakes… he was trying desperately to keep her from being one even though he wanted to extend himself more than he ever had.  She was different… she had helped him when the little shit at Monk’s was too afraid to.  She’d left him once, like everyone else.

     

    Mack was the only one who had come back.  Ever.

     

    Not his parents, or his sister. The country he’d pledged his life to die for threw him out like trash when he was broken.  Women he’d trusted with everything had abandon him or tried to kill him.  Still, Mack was here when she should not have been… as her fingers curled in his shirt, it gave him permission to pull in a breath and flood himself with the scent of her.  Evaporated rain, steel, leather…

     

    It was too much. 

     

    It was dangerous.  She was not in danger… not in the slightest.  She was under his skin, in the back of the cat’s psyche. He’d seen what it could do when someone he cared about was threatened, waking up in a slick of blood next to shredded corpses that the cat had stood guard over to make sure the man knew the deed was done when he returned from oblivion.  He was a young Were, barely into his apartment, still carrying books from his classes and unable to sleep at night from the horrible nightmares of being in the meatgrinder of the Nevus.  The apartments were not always as safe as they were now, Mrs. Kolcheck and the other elderly tenants terrorized by the scabby landlord.  The man had dared to grab her for demanding he fix Kai’s apartment up, she fell… broke her hip.  The Were had confronted him, cordially.  Solved the problem.  When he returned with thugs to terrorize the woman again… he was not so careful then.

     

    Mack was involved in the Vanguard.  It was not smart to be in the same place. Someone she worked with saw them?  He was not entirely sure the boyfriend of his secretary wasn’t still watching him on a regular basis.  Unconcerned for himself, in the slightest… he knew how they worked, teams. Tactical.  He knew the tricks, he knew the routines. They were probably hotshots like him at some point that still needed the burn of adrenaline to survive.  There was one huge difference, they were not him, and they were not a Were.  Breaking a neck was so much easier when your physical strength could destroy a car.

     

    He was worried for her.

     

    It had already gone too far, rumble in his chest deepening when he felt her pull him closer.  Oh god.  It was now a fight; two monsters clawing for the authority to control the physical body.  Kai, was trying to protect her by withdrawing… the Were trying to protect her by claiming her as worthy of being protected.

     

    The tug at his shirt as he withdrew was not missed, neither was the whimper or rampage of blush across her skin that fed the euphoria.  Dear god what had he done?  Urge to completely retreat taking over.

     

    "Kai?"

     

    He stopped instantly, gooseflesh raging over his skin.  Swallow tight, lips began to move quietly to whisper out some sort of apology but producing nothing.  Hand pulled from his pocket to brush through still damp hair, tightening on the back of his skull before falling quietly to his side.  There was a really interesting knot in the polished hardwood floor just past the living room rug that kept him from having to look at her.

     

    [kai]I was thrown out of the ops like trash.  I did everything for them.  Everything they ever asked me to.  Ran faster, dove deeper, shot with more accuracy.  Nearly died three times. Shot.  Stabbed, almost beheaded.[/kai]  fingers unconsciously touched a small nick on his ear that was reminiscent of an alley cat’s battle scar.  He could barely hear himself speak, timbre slipping so far into his chest it was like a confession on a breath.  Confessions he’d never told anyone, trying to make excuses for what he’d just done. [kai]Then they just didn’t want me anymore because I was broken.  Retired.  Honorably discharged, forced out. Not because I had been injured, but because I didn’t feel anything when I pulled the trigger.  Caught… cursed with being a Were.  Hated for just being a Were.[/kai]

     

    Pause was long, where it was coming from… only the whiskey could tell.

     

    [kai]The smiles, the banter… everything you see in public is… a lie.[/kai]  brows furled, the unreadable expression moving to her for the first time.  [kai]I don’t feel, anything... except pain and anger when the Were takes over… a week out of every month tranq’d to oblivion so I don’t have to feel my own bones breaking every night.  Then came Mrs. Kolcheck, who didn’t throw me away… and you, who made me laugh and came back when everyone else left.[/kai]

     

    Both hands ran through his hair then, sliding back to intertwine fingers behind his neck and take a slow breath and stare at the ceiling until he could calm his blood again.  The scent of her blush was wonderful.

     

    [kai]Then…there’s the cat, who sits in my gut like a licked battery, who feels more than I could ever imagine… like all the emotion and fire that was drained out of me when I was a human was suddenly given back in the span of a second, and I realize what it wants, I want too… because we’re the same thing.[/kai]  Lower lip was pulled through tight teeth, fingers releasing to rest back at his sides.  [kai]…which is why I’m over here.[/kai]

     

    She was already in his apartment, against most likely her good judgment.  Protocol had already been broken.

     

    [kai]Because I don’t trust myself over there with you.  You came to help me, and I’m not going to take advantage of that.[/kai]

     

    She knew now why he’d been so apprehensive to let her into his space.

     

    Eyes flickered to the remote that had been tossed to the floor, batteries and cover had popped out.  Temple ticked slightly… the disorder tugging on his already raw nerves, kneeling down to pick it up and put it back together with an expression a bit like a scolded puppy.  Standing to return it to its place on the coffee table, his first step was apprehensive. It needed to go on the coffee table.  That’s where it went.  Eyes flicked to her, then the table, the stray cat finding the nerve to move closer and replace it. The brush of his shoulder to hers as he maneuvered around her again was enough to make him freeze in place, wanting to take a step back, instead unable to make himself move… finding his fingers picking hers up in an odd moment of catharsis.  They were nicked and burned like his; his long healed but the shine still lingered on the scars, a braille story to those that looked close enough.  He intertwined their fingers, lifting her them to his lips briefly before placing them on the front of his shirt where her stretched tugs were still visible, releasing them to let his own fingers fall back to his side.  Lashes closed as he leaned his forehead against hers, hands remaining quietly at his sides in a moment of utter quiet. Even the cat seemed, silent.

     

    [kai]Your skin smells amazing,[/kai]  he muttered under his breath.  [kai]If you want me to go, just tell.me.  I’ll go.[/kai]

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    Mack was puzzled when Kai started speaking, her brain still getting back into the driver's seat and kicking her libido out of it.  She must have snapped and had a few screws loose if she thought sleeping with Kai would be a good idea in any way shape or form.  How the hell did the were virus get transmitted?  She was pretty sure it was a bite but she didn't know the details.  Hell with her luck it counted as an STD to or something.

     

    Magical STD's...as if the world didn't have enough issues.

     

    She listened quietly, trying to take what he was telling her and put it into some form that she could understand.  The military part of things was easy enough for Mack.  She'd been there and knew that soldiers could become removed from their emotions.  It was something of a defensive mechanism in the human brain to just shut down so one didn't go insane.  Staying in that mentality was not unheard of and usually meant someone needed to be taken off active duty and see the shrinks a lot.  Mack had always been the opposite kind of soldier, one of the reasons she had never gotten to far in her career.  When someone told her to shoot she had the audacity to ask why.  Maybe not in the middle of a firefight but she would eventually ask why.  It had made her good at dismantling bombs and such but a real thorn in the sides of her superiors.

     

    She wasn't sure she believed him entirely on not feeling anything.  It was possible she supposed, after all psychopaths were known for lacking empathy.  She couldn't see that in Kai though, not from a man that got upset when his elderly neighbor was in the hospital.  She did however have to resist the urge to wince when he commented about her coming back.  That was just dumb luck after all, and she was going to vanish again come morning.

     

    Er...right?

     

    He spoke of the cat then, which took Mack a moment to connect the dots on.  She couldn't say she knew anything really about were-cats but figured they operated much the same as normal animals.  That was how it worked wasn't it?  She really needed to brush up on her Were knowledge.  She just hoped she didn't end up having a stiff chat with Vacily again like she had last time.

     

    Some things were explained and others were not and still others left in a muddled confusion as Mack tried to fit the pieces together.  As Kai picked up the remote she had tossed she shifted on her feet to let him past and felt their shoulders brush.  She had been opening her mouth to ask a question but found the words being swallowed as his fingers plucked hers up.  She tugged nervously, self conscious about the state of her hands as she was the state of her back.  Even as she squirmed though she did not retreat, least he think she was calling him a monster in her head again.  She couldn't help but want to retreat though as he touched his lips to her hands and then went placing them on his shirt again.  Not because she was afraid of him, but because she was unsure of her footing and all to aware of what a bad situation this was.  

     

    The tension was thick enough that she was having trouble to remember how to breathe.  She wasn't sure if she wanted to chug down the whole bottle of whiskey sitting on the counter in the kitchen more or to just give in to what the body demanded.  Granted one might have led to the other but the whiskey option made it so she had to back off...and likely would have been taken as a rejection that she should be using her words to give.  She couldn't seem to force them out though, couldn't manage to just tell him this wasn't ever going to work.  Even just a simple "go" was getting clogged in her throat.

     

    "Motor oil, sweat, grime, and probably a locker room," she heard herself mutter, attempting to slice the tension with humor off his comment that her skin smelled amazing.  To be fair, she couldn't imagine how her skin would smell all that great.  Gas, oil, dirt, and the rest weren't exactly sweet smelling here.  At best she probably smelled like her orange soap stuff and she didn't think cats like citrus.

     

    A stall tactic at best though was her joke as her brain tried to jam pieces of the situation together to come up with a good plan.  The man was trying to keep some distance, the cat wanted to play.  There had to be a decent compromise that didn't end with her indulging said cat and having the humans regretting it all or the cat being starved of attention and leaving Kai in misery.

     

    Well...what did one do with a cat that was being an attention whore?

     

    Hoping it wasn't going to make things worse Mack gave Kai a push, nudging him back to the couch before she plunked down next to him.  Damn but this was a fluffy couch.  She was tempted to curl up and try to nap on it before the nightmares started up and kept her awake all night.  

     

    "Head in the lap and you stretch out," she said, her tone booking no arguing.  "I don't want you to go Kai but...I can't... I can't give you what I think the cat is wanting.  Or...both of you are wanting?  I'm not clear on how that works exactly.  It...or...you will have to settle for what comfort I can give."

     

    Mentally Mack was buzzing about from point to point trying to figure things out.  Externally though she worked on seeming more calm and just wanting to relax...hopefully without downing the whole bottle of whiskey that she was really wanting that minute.

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    He’d been wrong. Of course he’d been wrong, feeling the squirm of fingers in his; but she wasn’t retreating. What did that mean? It was very possible that she too was hung up on how much of a bad idea it was that she was here, suddenly feeling very guilty for his plea at Monk’s. Had he really given her much of a choice? He could have just waited. He should have just waited… he should have been stronger than to beg for help. Read all the signals wrong, doubtful if they had ever been there at all and were completely imagined. It was almost overwhelming that he was even considering such a thing, unable to put his finger on what was different… he knew he was of interest to women. They joined his classes and asked him out, made excuses to bump into him in other places. So many bad decisions. So many too close to the full moon he tried not to think about them, the mess with his secretary… what exactly was he doing? So much control, yet so little leading to excuses and guilt afterward, and still unsatiated. Meaningless.

     

    What was different with Mack? Tiptoeing around her was making him lose his mind.

     

    If it had been anyone else, it would have escalated into a completely selfish pawing match in a matter of minutes- they didn’t know what he was, only that his interests were insatiable and they were more than willing to help him deal with the adrenaline burn that came with the pain of his changes. He had to come to terms with the reality that the cat was a part of him, so was the broken soldier. Control, always his vice. About to leave it alone, call it, and go lay miserable in his bed and try to sleep… her voice cut through the conflicted misery.

     

    "Motor oil, sweat, grime, and probably a locker room,"

     

    The comment derailed his self-deprecation. Lips actually lifted off his teeth to smile in an easy, soft chuckle, forehead still on hers… voice light [kai]…most of the world smells like a locker room to me.[/kai] Eyes opened slightly, looking at her from the proximity. [kai]Rain. Leather and steel. That’s unique.[/kai]

     

    The push finally came to get him away from her, expected and accepted. Her joining him as she landed next to him was not.

     

    "Head in the lap and you stretch out,"

     

    He blinked at her.

     

    "I don't want you to go Kai but...I can't... I can't give you what I think the cat is wanting. Or...both of you are wanting? I'm not clear on how that works exactly. It...or...you will have to settle for what comfort I can give."

     

    [kai]…I’m sorry, it… it won’t happen again,[/kai] apology was under his breath, still trying to let the words sink in. She didn’t want him gone? [kai]Not an it, just… not able to describe it any other way... a devil on your shoulder fighting the angel on the other maybe?[/kai]

     

    Muscles were still for a moment, unsure what to do, rolling the taste of whiskey on his lips that wasn’t his through his teeth. Getting up, footsteps were silent to the kitchen, rummaging through his bag for something and returning with her glass and the bottle and setting them on the coffee table next to his before retaking his spot. He remained sitting for several moments, placing a small black leather case in front of him on the table… hands innocently on his knees, fingers tapping, leaning forward again to pour a little into his glass and more into hers.

     

    Now he knew how his patients felt. Apprehensive. Reaching to grab the pillow and blanket he’d originally set out for her, he carefully set the blanket on the arm next to her and delicately set the pillow on her lap. Tall frame stretched out the length of the couch, hands folding safely on his stomach as he laid his head back against the cool white pillowcase. Hooded eyes looked up at the ceiling a moment, then her, then back to the ceiling before closing. It definitely was a step up from staring at the bedroom ceiling.

     

    [kai]Is this where I tell you about my mother?[/kai] he was trying to breathe easier, a little headshrink humor, feeling like he should apologize, try to explain himself… something. [kai]She was a terrible cook.[/kai] lip curled up in a small smile, eyes opening slightly to look at her before dipping his toe into the shitstorm a bit. [kai]Going in, coming out of the full moon makes everything a bit hypersensitive, at least for me. Coming back and finding her sick put everything into overdrive. Stressed. I didn’t intend for you to come here if you didn’t want to… can’t give you… the infection that way either.[/kai]

     

    It was his turn to blush slightly, eyes flicked to the small black leather case a moment, offering it to her if she was concerned. Fingers reached out to retrieve the remote from the coffee table and turn the television back on with almost no volume. It gave him something else to look at for the time being, setting down the remote and gently pulling his glass closer to the edge as he contemplated but didn’t commit.

     

    [kai]I barely sleep anyway, end up staring at the ceiling… [/kai]

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    "You don't need to apologize,"Mack said, not being able to help but scrunch her nose at that.  What did Kai have to apologize for exactly?  Wasn't like he'd tried to maul her or anything.  Being a pain in the ass a few times maybe and grumpy but she could understand that with his only family being in the hospital there.  Lots of people got grumpy and became pains in the ass from that.  "I'm not offended Kai.  Hell it's...kinda flattering.  Not like I have guys lining up around the block for a kiss here.  It's unexpected and I'm not sure how to handle it."

     

    Aw crap that made it sound like she was considering things.  She wasn't though!  Well mostly she wasn't...maybe.  She had to admit to herself at least that if Kai hadn't been a were she would have been all over matters.  She could be honest in her head at least, in that the Vanguard and his being a Were being the only things keeping her from matters.  Neither of which were likely to suddenly vanish on her here.

    "So you have a devil that instead of horns and pitchforks has a tail and plays with balls of yarn?" Mack asked and though she knew the balls of yarn part was untrue it helped her keep from thinking of a big hungry tiger which was more than a little unnerving.  "Here's hoping it likes just being pet instead of indulging in everything and anything.  Maybe we'll figure out a decent balance for it or something."

     

    Dammit now she was talking like she would be around more!  Mack couldn't help but frown at herself even as Kai came back from his venture into the kitchen.  The concerned frown vanishing into a smile from the whiskey being brought.

     

    "You just really know the way to my heart here don't you?" she commented in joke as she accepted her glass again and downed half of it in a shot.  She reminded herself to go easy on the rest or she'd likely do something foolish.

     

    The mental image of Kai shirtless popped to mind and had her shaking her head a bit to clear it.  Not a good direction to go in.  Maybe she should start thinking of how Vacily creamed those magus in the Black Mask as a reminder of what she didn't want happening to Kai.

     

    Speaking of, Mack couldn't help but be amused at him as he got a pillow and set it in her lap oh-so-carefully.  The grin stayed as she sipped her drink in one hand and started to run fingers carefully through Kai's hair as he lay, not unlike how one might pet a house cat that decided to chill on their lap for a bit.

     

    "Smartass," she retorted with a laugh as Kai commented on his mother before he veered to more serious topics.  She almost wished he stayed on the joking side of things.  It left things feeling...strangely normal and domestic in spite of their situation.

     

    "You didn't make me come here Kai.  I decided that for myself.  You kept telling me you'd be fine and I could just go home remember?" she pointed out as she kept the steady pace petting his head.  "My choice, I'm a big girl here and can handle it.  Though I will admit to not knowing the situation very well."  She took a sip of her drink, thinking for a moment to try and plug in what Kai was telling her versus what apparently little she knew about weres.

     

    "The only way to infect others would be to bite them wouldn't it?" she asked in genuine curiosity.  After all that was the only way she ever heard about it and nowadays most folks could get to medical help in time so it wasn't as big of a deal outside of dealing with the rages weres went into.  The hypersensitive point she left alone, being a coward in spite of her bravado when faced with a question of if he kissed her because he cared or because she was convenient.  Thank God she opted for sitting and talking instead.

     

    Though the man did look adorable when he blushed.  Mack was tempted to tease him and such but resisted.  Still it was a good sign she thought.  Animals and unfeeling people didn't blush.  She did notice though that he seemed intend on looking anywhere else but at her, case in point with the TV coming back on.

     

    "I'd almost claim it's just something to do with the month.  Haven't been able to sleep myself without horrible nightmares.  I mean I'm sure everyone gets them, we all went through some hell, but mine got weird on me.  Never remember them being so damn life like before, I mean I always saw things in nightmares but I don't remember hearing or feelings things before."

     

    Just the memories of said nightmares that had been haunting Mack had her going white from terror and her hand in his hair tightening to pulling on it for a moment without her meaning it to.  Somewhere in her brain she decided she needed more whiskey as she downed the rest of hers to shock her system back into order.  When she shifted and reached for the bottle though her hands were shaking to badly to manage it and she stuffed one under her thigh in an effort to hide it.  With Kai's position though the other was not so easy to hide.

     

    "So...uh...what's in the case?" Mack asked quickly tugging black leather forward to inspect the contents.  Anything to get her mind off the nightmares and the remembered feeling of hands clawing at her and dragging her down to be dinner for a mob of zombies featuring the faces of dead family.

    Link to comment

    "You don't need to apologize,"

     

    Brows were flickering in indecision, trying to clear his train of thought from the charged aftermath of a smug cat at getting what it wanted, the fuzz of whiskey, and the fray of pure exhaustion. An apology was necessary, she hadn’t come here to get hit on by an overly amorous Were just coming off the adrenaline of aggression and possessiveness. That was bad enough without the rest of it thrown in for spicy measure.

     

    "I'm not offended Kai. Hell it's...kinda flattering. Not like I have guys lining up around the block for a kiss here. It's unexpected and I'm not sure how to handle it."

     

    Lashes wove together, staring at his hands. Not sure why he didn’t believe her claim and figured there wasn’t a significant other. No, he knew why. Mack wasn't fake, most men went after it. Women thought they were beautiful when they were covered with things that hid who they were. Scented lotion was the worst, made him nearly gag every time someone was slathered with it before a class. Fake, mixed with sweat… it smelled like chemical plastic. Make-up did the same thing. Very few women he’d ever met were comfortable in their own skin without some kind of fake mask or another. For some reason, the men he knew liked that. Being a shrink, he was pretty sure it had to do with a man’s sense of feeling dominant, sensing insecurity and weakness for control. Maybe it was a bit of the Were side that figured it out too. Mack had insecurities, but they weren’t the normal variety. He hadn’t quite put his finger on it yet. He’d sensed that the first time he met her. She was different, and it had intrigued him immediately.

     

    [kai]Me neither,[/kai] it was almost inaudible. He wasn’t sure how to explain to her that he’d always been interested, just unsure how he was emotionally trying to sort through it.

     

    "So you have a devil that instead of horns and pitchforks has a tail and plays with balls of yarn?"

     

    Lips pursed in a pseudo-amusement, fingers rubbing over the back of his hands. Well, when she put it like that it made the situation sound a bit better. He nodded slightly, [kai]…and ponytails, it seems[/kai]

     

    "Here's hoping it likes just being pet instead of indulging in everything and anything. Maybe we'll figure out a decent balance for it or something."

     

    [kai]Never just been pet before.[/kai] a hard confession that was probably lost in the movement toward the kitchen to retrieve something that was more than a terrible idea. If this was all a ruse, some sort of way to get the Vanguard into his home and he became a raging ball of angry, he really wasn’t sure how fast his metabolism would burn through the stuff. He didn’t drink. Why he was starting now… maybe just to make Mack feel like she wasn’t drinking alone? Maybe to make the night go even more horribly? Could it be as simple as wanting to try something different? Such a tight reign of control on every aspect of his life, he’d started to become miserable in the fight along the way- or numb to the fact that his emotions really were starting to emerge from the ball of PTSD and DPD and were being confused with controlling the Were.

     

    Something different… something different. Lying on a couch with his head in someone’s lap was definitely something different. He’d never done it before, a bit uncomfortable at first- finding his trained humor solving a bit of his anxiety. Lips smirked as his new official designation of smartass. Better than furball. Eyes fluttered a bit unexpectedly when her fingers found his hair, the muscle that was flicking in his neck for the last several moments releasing like a switch had been thrown. He’d been holding his breath, the soft air oozing outward as he settled further into the couch.

     

    "You didn't make me come here Kai. I decided that for myself. You kept telling me you'd be fine and I could just go home remember?"

     

    Eyes had fixated on the television through tiny slits, muscles becoming dead weight. He could swear a heaviness in his chest very well could have been a contented purr if his physique was wired that way, [kai]because I knew this would happen. A lot of residual… adrenaline, funnels into only one outlet. I wanted to make sure it wasn't just aftermath talking.[/kai]

     

    It came out before he realized, reaching over to pick up his glass and cover his tracks with a healthy swig from his glass. It wasn’t a confession, he didn’t think. “It” what? He didn't elaborate on what "it" was.

     

    "My choice, I'm a big girl here and can handle it. Though I will admit to not knowing the situation very well. The only way to infect others would be to bite them wouldn't it?"

     

    [kai]Depends,[/kai] the word was quiet, taking another sip before setting it back on the table. Knees came up, one arm draped lazily over his stomach, the other hand now resting next to his ear on the pillow. [kai]A transformed bite does it, something that breaks skin and transfers fluid. If I bit you like this, you’re fine.[/kai] When did the whiskey start to taste less acrid? [kai]Kind of like a cold, few days into the full moon, few days out of it we’re contagious while transformed. Have to be furry though to make more. Otherwise,[/kai] shrug was light… [kai]we’re just overly strong people with bad tempers and territorial issues.[/kai]

     

    "I'd almost claim it's just something to do with the month. Haven't been able to sleep myself without horrible nightmares. I mean I'm sure everyone gets them, we all went through some hell, but mine got weird on me. Never remember them being so damn life like before, I mean I always saw things in nightmares but I don't remember hearing or feelings things before."

     

    That caught his attention, able to jumpstart the shrink brain and start to build some connections. Blink was slow at the tighten of her grip, eyes taking a moment to clear and honing in immediately on her reach for the alcohol with a shaking hand.

     

    [kai]I get them too,[/kai] he added quietly. [kai]I’ve... touched things that none that I know of have survived, makes me a bit of a Were-freak.[/kai]

     

    He watched her from his vantage point, fingers next to his ear flexing slightly as she changed the subject.

     

    "So...uh...what's in the case?"

     

    He left it at that as she asked her question, all of a sudden interested in the leather case he’d brought out. Being a shrink had its perks A shrink with military connections was even better.

     

    [kai]It’s for you,[/kai] whiskey unconsciously went to his lips again, the small amount that he’d poured now polished off. How much had he had, four shots maybe? Pansy. [kai]My job gives me access to things most don’t have. Nobody has seen those yet because I have them specially made… little bit of a tinker myself. Be perfect for you… don’t shatter, can carry in your back pocket even. [/kai]

     

    Plus, he was just so damn careful. He always had a store of anti-viral. They were compact, concentrated and could be carried like epi-pens. Plus, they didn’t look like the normal shots. Not the cheapest things in the world, but they were quick, easy and convenient. Maybe if he became more of a crusader for his kind, he would show everyone how to make them. For now, they were for his own responsibilities.

     

    [kai]I always carry a set on me, in case I can’t get out of the city in time. At least when I come to I know I have access to something in case the worst has happened.[/kai]

     

    Sigh was long, shifting back to something she probably didn’t want to talk about. She’d changed the subject before, he was gently steering it back- stall tactic by his patients that didn’t want to face their issue and instead spend an hour happy chatting with him.

     

    [kai]Does whiskey really help the nightmares?[/kai] feline eyes caught the light of the television as he looked up at her. [kai]…or does it make you not dream at all?[/kai]

     

    It wasn't a scold, it was a sincere question- interested as much for her reasoning as he was for his own troubles.

    Link to comment

    Mack wasn't sure if Kai not knowing how to handle things was comforting or worrisome.  She supposed it was however logical for someone in his situation.  He kept a wall between himself and the world so making and keeping relationships would have been really difficult, even without the were factor playing into things.  She wasn't about to try and advise on that though, she would have been a hypocrite to even try.

     

    So instead she did her best to soothe and learn more about the situation.  She couldn't say she understood everything but there were pieces she could sympathize easier with.  Having been a combat soldier Mack knew the effects of adrenaline and could even remember a few instances (that she usually ended up regretting) of adrenaline fueled one night stands.  Eventually she'd found other ways to handle it, usually just riding it to do something productive.  She knew soldiers that drank it down and still others that got hooked on something else to deal with it.  It didn't last overly long on a normal human, but that didn't tell her anything about how long it lasted on a were or if it was just Kai that had the issue.  Figuring that out would have required talking to other weres or finding someone that studied them an wouldn't put Kai in a cell for it.  Which of course ruled out any and all Vanguard.

     

    Though Mack did technically know a scientist outside of the Vanguard if she could find him...  She might have to think about that one.  

     

    At least she knew Kai was safe...at least right now.  Mack made a mental note of fur being very bad though she had to wonder on the fluid transferring.  Sex could do that after all, but then again most people had a concept of safe sex just because nothing would be more embarrassing than trying of a simple STD these days.  Still it was good to know the time frame for being around Kai without having to worry about him turning into a...very hairy and angry biter...  Christ her mental thoughts on what he was were still pretty derogatory.  She had a feeling they were never not going to be when thinking about him as a were instead of how he was right now.

    Then the talk shifted to nightmares, leaving Mack uncomfortable and shaky at best.  At least she wasn't likely to sleep, in spite of being tired enough to feel like she could drop on the floor and stay there for about twenty-four hours.

     

    "Don't," she snipped out, aggression surging at the only target she had in an effort to combat the numbing terror creeping over her.  "Don't even try to compare them.  I wouldn't doubt you have nightmares to but don't even go there Kai."

     

    She had to struggle for a moment with the bottle but eventually she got her drink and downed all of it before pouring another.  The whiskey burned and helped to battle the sudden cold that feeling of fingers on her and shocked the system enough to have her not get to lost to things.

     

    Changing the subject always helped too.

     

    Mack rose a brow at the effective epi-were-pens.  A tinker he said, but this kind of thing seemed a little higher on the list of tinkering.  Still she had to admit it helped her to know he kept these things around just in case.

     

    "Just a soul of practicality there aren't you?" she asked with a grin before sipping at her drink.  She tried to remember how many she'd had and failed, between sneaking nips here and there and downright chugging some of them here it was a bit of a toss up.  She just knew she was feeling pleasantly buzzed in spite of the remnant terrors trying to gain footholds in her head.

     

    Or at least they would not have if Kai hadn't brought them up again.  Mack could almost feel a muscle near her eye twitching as anxiety and aggression swelled up defensively.  Why was Kai asking about the if the whiskey helped?  Of course it helped!  Or...well it use to help.  Now a days it seemed drinking herself into passing out didn't help either, it just brought the nightmares back.  Anytime she closed her eyes at night they were right there waiting to torment her.

     

    Not for the first time Mack wondered if she finally just broke and was going insane.

     

    "Nah, I drink it to help keep my blood circulating.  My gas bill for heat is more horrendous than most cause I live in a basement apartment.  Wool socks and layers only go so far in the winter so the like Russians with vodka I go to the answer of my ancestors and opt for Irish whiskey...or what I can get cause the real stuff is far to expensive for my pay grade," she said with a grin as her sarcasm fell flat.  She never had been very good at dodging questions and such but she did not want to talk about her nightmares.

     

    She wrestled a moment before finally sighing cause she knew Kai was just trying to be helpful like she was trying to be.  She didn't have to like the questions though, they just were not conducive to dropping stress for either of them likely.

     

    "That's been my answer to nightmares for years now.  It worked fine.  I'd get a bad episode here and there and just drink myself back to bed or work through it on some random project of mine.  No it's not working, but I'll figure something out.  Can always try sleeping pills I suppose.  Tea though that seems sacrilegious.  Mellow music instead of my usual rock.  Maybe I just need to cave and cough up the money for a better mattress or something.  Not hurting anyone so it's not very high on my list of concerns really.  Everyone gets sleepless nights."

     

    Never mind the fact that it was starting to impact Mack, and with how she drove her motorcycle and what she worked with, it was liable to land her in a hospital ER or the morgue when she fell asleep under a car and had it crush her underneath.

     

    Man was she turning morbid in her thinkings.  She always made sure to secure things so she didn't hurt herself and she barely got a chance to ride  her motorcycle some days just due to gas prices.  This weird long spell of nightmares couldn't last forever, she just had to muscle through it.

     

    "I'll be fine Kai really," she said even as a yawn crept up and had his name coming out a little warped.  "Probably just stress related or something.  In spite of my job being pretty routine and dull I seem to attract trouble all the time outside of it, like with the trolls out in the Wilds or the magus that was trying to force me on a date in the Black Mask."

     

    It was probably somewhat telling that she shuddered more from the magus than from the trolls.  Either way though Mack had to admit she had a real talent for collecting trouble.  Maybe she had gotten powers and it hers was simply being a magnet for dangerous situations or something.

    Link to comment

    "Don't even try to compare them.  I wouldn't doubt you have nightmares to but don't even go there Kai."

     

    Breath was drawn in deep, the corner of his eye twitching slightly from the buzz in the air as he watched her.  They bothered her, a lot.  The drinking, the sometimes aggressive self-destructive behavior, he wasn’t quite sure yet if they were connected to her confessed nightmares or something else entirely.   Was it possible that someone in this world had the horror in their unconscious to rival and supersede his?  Intrigued, he thought better of it and wasn’t at this point willing to risk a fight.  He’d just gotten himself to settle, she had forgiven his forward behavior and things seemed well… calm.

     

    He wasn’t going to ruin it.

     

    "Just a soul of practicality there aren't you?"

     

    Aw hell.  Calm?  A light burn rolled from his cheeks to the tips of his ears, not really sure if he should come right out and say it.  Probably not, would she think he was just trying to make her a post stress conquest?

     

    [kai]I’m not proud of my behavior needs going in and coming out of the changes, but… I can at least make sure there isn’t any collateral damage as a result.  Even though I am human in the days during the run and technically can’t… infect anyone, I just…[/kai]

     

    He winced slightly, a cold chill washing over his skin. Good god, he was making himself sound like a predator.  It was consensual.  It was always consensual… and safe… and with anti-viral.  Collateral damage, wasn’t there a better way to say it?

     

    [kai]…just don’t want to take the risk,[/kai]  hand came up to slide over his features several times.  [kai]I just made myself sound like an absolute ass didn’t I?  I wasn’t trying to with you… I was trying to avoid…[/kai]

     

    Hand rested over his eyes as he found a rhythm in his breath. 

     

    [kai]Sorry.[/kai]

     

    Here he was, head laying on the lap of one of the two only people in the world whose opinions mattered to him and he was telling her in no uncertain terms he wasn’t trying to have sex with her.  Even though he was, but he wasn’t.  Because… he was exerting tremendous self-control, and she was the only one he cared about offending with his behavior.

     

    He left it alone, hand snatching the recently refilled glass and downing the entire thing to add to the fuzz building at the back of his skull.  Swift change in subject again, his eyes found the television incredibly convenient to avoid looking at her and her sarcasm.

     

    "Nah, I drink it to help keep my blood circulating.  My gas bill for heat is more horrendous than most cause I live in a basement apartment.  Wool socks and layers only go so far in the winter so the like Russians with vodka I go to the answer of my ancestors and opt for Irish whiskey...or what I can get cause the real stuff is far to expensive for my pay grade,"

     

    Brow cocked, looking back to her.  Now who was avoiding questions?  Expression was thoughtful as she continued, oddly enough for the first time it didn’t seem contrived or learned behavior as he listened.

     

    “Not hurting anyone so it's not very high on my list of concerns really.  Everyone gets sleepless nights."

     

    [kai]It’s hurting you… you're more important than anyone.[/kai]  the statement was obvious, brows flicking upward in concern.  She was probably going to hit him, or bonk him the center of the forehead with the bottom of the highball glass.  That was okay, served him right.

     

    "I'll be fine Kai really, Probably just stress related or something.  In spite of my job being pretty routine and dull I seem to attract trouble all the time outside of it, like with the trolls out in the Wilds or the magus that was trying to force me on a date in the Black Mask."

     

    The muscle in his neck that been so relaxed for the last moments flicked instantly at her shudder.  His reaction was visceral, reminding him that no matter how calm he was he was still coming out of a week of change.  He could feel it rolling up the back of his spine, knew it, accepted it, understood it.  Last time someone had forced anyone he knew to do something, people had died, horrible and vicious in shreds of flesh and muscle.  It was a protective beast, one that had already made the decision that she was part of his umbrella, however small that circle was.  Fractured irises looked up at her.

     

    [kai]I want you to be fine.[/kai]

     

    The statement was so simple, but it spoke volumes for his state of mind- a total confession of everything spinning around in his brain in one innocent sounding sentence.  It surprised him more than anything else he’d said since the Were had passive aggressively scared the hell out of the little shit at Monk’s.  He hadn’t thought about it, if it was the right thing to say or if it was an appropriate response to the situation.  He WANTED her to be okay, just like he knew he wanted Mrs, Kolcheck to be okay.  He didn’t want things for anyone, why now?

     

    [kai]I want you to stay.[/kai]  He felt strange, skin was always warm… but it felt weirdly light.  HE felt oddly light, rolling over on his side with his back to the back of the couch and reaching to fish for the free hand she’d hidden under her thigh and press it to his forehead.  [kai]I don’t drink.  I think I drank a lot.[/kai]  blink was lazy, closing completely, his hand holding hers to cover the light in his eyes reminiscent of a sleeping feline trying to shut out the world.  Lashes barely parted to register how much of the bottle the two had polished off, rolling his lower lip through his teeth.  [kai]No trouble tonight.  I promise.[/kai]

    Link to comment

    Mack had to chuckle a little as Kai stumbled over his words.  She couldn't blame the guy, had the tables been turned she'd have been just as bad with her words.  She didn't bother telling him things were ok, he was bright enough to figure that out while she pet his head again.  She would have rather stayed on the lighter topic but it seemed cruel to not answer him some how when he had trusted her with things. 

     

    Though his comment that she was important had her giving him a look that he was a lunatic.  She wasn't important.  Mack knew that very well.  She did nothing but fix rides and get in trouble and there was very few people that would be upset if she simply vanished.

     

    [kai]I want you to be fine.[/kai]

     

    Green eyes blinked at the statement, Mack wasn't use to people worrying overly much about her and the tone was...funny.  Maybe it was the cat talking again?  It didn't seem right but she opted to smile as best she could while petting fingers through Kai's hair again.

     

    "I will be, scout's honor," she said though the words didn't reach her eyes, and not just because she'd never been a Girl Scout.  She was actually worried about things but putting them on Kai didn't seem like a smart thing to her.  Not just because stressing a were seemed like a bad idea but because he had enough to worry about with his elderly friend.  Mack could handle it herself...hopefully.

     

    The smile didn't fade but it turned apologetic when he said he wanted her to stay.  She shouldn't and Mack knew that, for practical reasons as well as the inherent thought that this was dangerous.  His comment that he didn't drink was a note of worry in spite of Kai promising no trouble.  People could make all kinds of promises when buzzed and drunk that they didn't keep five minutes later.  Still she was willing to bet she was better off than he right that minute.

     

    She also wasn't sure if he meant just this night or in general, since she had stated that afterwards they would go back to ignoring each others existence.  She wasn't sure which worried her more though.

     

    "Just the booze talking I'm sure.  Guess you weren't kidding about being a light weight," she commented as she set her glass down so she could use her other hand since he didn't seem inclined to let go of her other one.  "Come on, we better get you tucked in before you fall asleep on me here.  Need a glass of water and a couple Tylenol in you first here before hand though.  You'll be that much better in the morning then."

     

    That seemed the most rational and practical route to Mack.  Neither of them were really in a sound state of mind and she was nervous where that could end up.  Kai might have promised to behave himself but that didn't mean she wouldn't do something completely idiotic.  She had a history for it after all.  Maybe she should explain that though because Kai might take it as her rejecting because of his cat there or something.

     

    "I can't stay.  It's not a good idea, which I try to have on occasion instead of my many bad ones," she said cautiously.  "I know you're not worried about the Vanguard but that doesn't mean I should be around you.  Eventually someone would start poking and asking questions and I still don't want to be the reason they come gunning for you.  So...just back to how we were after this.  Ok?" 

     

    She didn't have to like the idea for it to have merit.  If Kai hung around her to much eventually someone would notice and ask and then who knew what would happen.  Nothing good from what Mack could think of.  No she refused to let Kai be gunned down or decapitated just for existing.  He didn't deserve that.

     

    "I should be able to get your truck all fixed in a few nights though, so you'll have your wheels again soon," she added, hoping that maybe some good news would lift the sudden depressive feeling.

    Link to comment

    Repeatedly, he could sense nothing from her but calm and the occasional surge of heart rate when he’d misbehaved that left her skin smelling incredible.  With the exception of talk of her nightmares, given the situation and the fact that she’d scolded him on numerous occasions for thinking she was afraid of him... talk of belonging the Vanguard and knowing she shouldn’t be here- she was still here.  She said she would be, until he went to sleep and she would go home.

     

    Expression was curious about what was going through her head when he admitted he wanted her to be okay. Bewildered? Didn’t believe him?  He never lied.  Ever.  Maybe he hadn’t been clear.  Clear about what exactly?  He knew.  His mind was subtly floating toward it, evaporating away from what he knew should have been digging him deeper into a quiet, stoic willfulness.  Control.  Regaining control as he pulled out of the emotionally volatile week compounded with returning to find things not in order at home.  Subconscious kept grabbing for control, unable to grasp it in lieu of the amorphous thoughts bouncing around lazily in his head, leaning into her touch as she played with his hair and promised she would be okay.

     

    …her expression said otherwise.

     

    Feline eyes narrowed, feeling every nuance in reaction to his words.

      

    "Just the booze talking I'm sure.  Guess you weren't kidding about being a light weight,  Come on, we better get you tucked in before you fall asleep on me here.  Need a glass of water and a couple Tylenol in you first here before hand though.  You'll be that much better in the morning then."

     

    …head had begun to shake as he rolled to his back again and looked up at her, fingers still clinging to hers as his brows came down, his brain a kitten batting at a yarn ball of words to try and string together into something coherent and cut her off at the pass.

      

    "I can't stay.  It's not a good idea, which I try to have on occasion instead of my many bad ones,  I know you're not worried about the Vanguard but that doesn't mean I should be around you.  Eventually someone would start poking and asking questions and I still don't want to be the reason they come gunning for you.  So...just back to how we were after this.  Ok?" 

     

    [kai]No… fuck good ideas..[/kai]

     

    It came out suddenly.  Okay.  He had a few words, listening to something about his truck and shaking his head again.  He moved suddenly, rolling up and reaching to catch himself on the coffee table when the swirling world caught up to him.  Sitting position achieved, and not a stable one at that, an arm encircling her waist and had her sitting straddled on his lap with strength a human didn’t seem capable of.  Finger mimicked hers from earlier as she’d sternly lectured him… other hand firmly on the back of her thigh to keep her there.  Pupils were dark, wide… the wall he always had so carefully erected so he could peer carefully from the arrow slits of his fortifications were now crumbled on the ground.  It was all pouring out…

     

    [kai]I was going to ask you out… and then… and then you got on a bus and never called.[/kai]  …sigh was tight.  [kai]Then you came to my class… all smelling nice, and I was going to ask you out… and you left and never said why.[/kai]

     

    Hand curled into a fist and released to wipe over his features.

     

    [kai]I want you to stay… you said you’d stay ‘till I fell asleep… you’re going to leave as soon as I close my door I know it…[/kai]  he rolled forward, the mechanic slung over his shoulder at the waist as he grabbed the bottle of whiskey and padded toward his bedroom, changing direction toward the kitchen and decided against it, the whirl back toward his bedroom fluid.  Door was pushed open and kicked closed with his heel, bottle on the dresser and depositing her on his mountain of fluffy comforters with a soft bounce.  In an instant he’d prowled up the length of her body and was hovering over her, lips on her throat under her chin in askance… then surrendering to her wishes, the sighed nuzzle under her ear defeated...

     

    [kai]…back to how we were after this, of course.  It's what you want.[/kai]

     

    Drunken weight shifted onto his side beside her, still not trusting her to stay and showing a tremendous amount of self-control despite what was intense under his skin… arms slipped around her waist as he curled inward and lay his cheek on her chest, fingers slipping under the bottom edge of her shirt to settle onto the warmth of her skin.  One leg tangled around hers, brain still grasping for words as he held her to her promise to stay until he fell asleep in the gentle grip of a sloshed Were.  It would burn off quicker than most probably, how long was anybody’s guess…

     

    [kai]…won’t change how I feel about you.[/kai]

     

    Content hum of his voice left no doubt what he said was true, thrown open by the slippery tongue of liquid courage.  The impact of his quiet words was lost on him, consciousness hovering somewhere between awake and the verge of oblivion.  His rambled confessions he might remember, the fact he’d said anything about how he felt, from someone who wasn't supposed to feel anything- never would be soberly believed.

    Link to comment

    Mack's brows drew low as what Kai said at first got lost in her own statement about his truck.  Before she could ask him to repeat himself though to make sure she heard right though he had catapulted up and taken her with him.  Her position left her either planting her hands on the couch or on him and she opted for the couch for the moment while she tried to catch up on matters mentally.  She did not like where Kai's brain was going and her eyes narrowed a bit at his comments about planning to ask her out.  It didn't fit with other things he said and she was starting to think the cat was in charge again here.

     

    "Excuse me for having a life outside of you there.  I already explained why I left your class," she snipped back her eyes narrowing in aggravation as she pushed to get up and off his lap.  Sitting there was really not a good way to discuss things after all.

     

    Apparently though Kai wasn't keen on discussing anything as she found herself tossed over his shoulder in the blink of an eye. 

     

    "The hell!?  KAI!" she snapped as she squirmed to get out of his hold.  She really didn't want to resort to a physical altercation here but damn if she was going to be bullied like this.  Her options were quickly dwindling to nothing though as she felt her face lose and then regain it's color quickly from the door slamming shut.  Fuck what the hell was he doing!? 

     

    "Put me down right this minute!" she yelled in her best drill sergeant like tone.

     

    She should really have expected being dumped right that second but she hadn't been.  By the time she managed to push herself halfway up from the bounce Kai was already on her and she could feel fear coil in her stomach while her face heated up.  He told her he wouldn't hurt her but what the hell else was a girl going to think when after saying no she got bodily hauled into bed? 

     

    It took a few minutes of squirming and spitting at herself mentally that no the bed was not fucking comfy...even if it was and she really just wanted to stay there with Kai being one hell of an amazing personal heater.  Finally she managed to get up on her feet before whipping around to glare at Kai and try not to hit him for the fear he'd just put her through.  She hadn't thought Sandman's "invitation" had bothered her so but having men around with more strength and power than herself that didn't understand the term no hit a deep seated terror that was as old as women.  They weren't the same by any stretch of imagination but Mack refused to be bullied, even if wasn't malicious.

     

    It was hard though to stay up, to not let bully tactics slide just because he made a drunken claim of feeling something for her.  The content hum and his nuzzling before did not help.  She wanted to stay there, but that was a dangerously slippery slope she wasn't sure she could pull herself back from.  Caring or not he obviously thought she would bolt out the minute he turned around instead of doing what she said she would.

     

    "You don't know me," she got out through ground teeth that held her temper in them before she turned on her heel and headed for the door.  Thoughts of doing exactly what he was so worried about her doing dancing in her head as a form of rebellion from everything.  She didn't need this crap!

     

    Somewhere in her head she knew she wouldn't though.  She never drove her motorcycle buzzed so likely she would just pass out on the couch for a couple hours until the nightmares woke her up and then she'd go home.  Kai would certainly be in dream land by then though she'd check to be sure.  Either way though she would do as she promised and stay until he had gone to sleep and then depart.

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    A zing snapped up his spine the second she demanded to be put down.  He should have stopped that instant, he would have… if things hadn’t been greased a bit by bad choices.  Skin was shivering, his logical self reacting to the escalating anger from Mack as she protested her treatment, and his metabolism objected to what he had put into it even as he settled in to try and sleep with a Mack-Teddy as a companion.  Heat ticked at his temples like ice picks, a nausea building in his gut as he listened to the heartbeat under his ear.

     

    Fear.

     

    It was curdling in his stomach.

     

    Fear.

     

    Where was it coming from… sudden draw of breath the second she squirmed from his tired embrace and made her way to the door.  She was leaving.  She was leaving because he’d frightened her, rush of blood sharp in the front of his forehead as he pushed himself up. World still spun, the buzz of fear on his skin.  He never lied.  He’d promised he wouldn’t hurt her, ever.  This was the same, the same as physical pain and he felt sick because of it.  Feet got as far as the floor but he didn’t stand, touching down lightly and forearms on his knees, unable to turn toward the door, fighting the haze.  It felt like death had come for him, stealing his rational thought, mixed with the reality that someone was leaving him again.

     

    "You don't know me,"

     

    The words plinked off his skin like tiny needles.  What was wrong with him?  The more he tried, the more they left.  He was a monster, plain and simple, throbbing temples starting to subside into a more keen reality.  The Were would not go after her, he had no right to.  This was pointless, dark lashes parted to wander over the room he’d so carefully made for himself after having nothing for years after the Event. Fake, it was all fake.  He never lied, to anyone else- so staunch in his conviction that he’d missed the lying to himself.  There was no human.  There was no cat.  There was merely this thing that wasn’t welcome. Anywhere.

     

    He didn’t know her.  He didn’t know anyone, because he was not one of them anymore. Never was, and no matter how well he polished himself, laughed, smiled, gave advice- he never would be.

     

    [kai]Let me know before you leave then, I can pay you for the truck so you won’t have to deal with me again,[/kai]  feet finally took the weight as he stood and made sure he was steady before moving, voice somewhere between a whisper and an almost shy rum-rich hum.  [kai]Doubt Monk’s wants a freak patronizing their business, so I’ll just get it done here.[/kai]  there was a bitterness to it he couldn’t explain, forcing himself to swallow everything else.  [kai]Not going to be able to sleep, I’ll be in my office when you leave.  You’re welcome to anything in the kitchen.[/kai]

     

    He didn’t pause, moving past her to exit the room first and pad quietly down the hallway.  It was all he could do not to scream, to throw things, to find something to beat on like his truck to vent. Frustration had welled up and was ready to brim over.  He wasn’t going to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling or watch the minutes move on his digital clock, he would satiate it with the only thing he knew how and hope it didn’t escalate into scrubbing his hands until they bled.  It was what he was doing when he realized Mrs. Kolcheck was in the hospital, it was what he always did when he returned, and it hopefully would keep him from completely losing his mind.

     

    He did stop at the doorway to his haven of dark wood and books.  Stupid, but he had to say his peace, glance cast back at Mack never fully reaching anything but the floor.

     

    [kai]You were right, you were all right.  I’m just the only one that can’t see it,[/kai] he disappeared inside before he could say anything else, sitting bleary eyed in the large leather chair behind a very official and academic looking desk.

     

    He wasn't going to attempt to speak with her again.

     

    Fingers toyed with the gold chain hanging from the little green glassed lamp, eyes traveling over framed "accolades" on the wall that assured him at one time that he was a "real boy".  He wanted to smash everything, finally flicking it on to illuminate on his desk the one thing in the world that summed up his entire existence.  The sleek machine was in pieces, in the middle of being cleaned in its weekly ritual, every minute part laid out perfectly before the phone had rung from his charge across the hall and this nightmare began. Picking up the pieces of the scope, he tried to focus his eyes.  Fucking bad decisions.  A half-drunk Were trying to put back together a rifle most of the world didn't know existed, he was going to end up shooting his ass… the piece set down as he rubbed his eyes and forced them to clear what was burning off as quick as one could expect.  A euphemism for his life.  Dangerous, delusional... and still trying to make some order of the chaos.

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    Mack had to resist the urge to soothe and console.  She wanted to pull her hair out in frustration as Kai seemed to swing back and forth on the emotional spectrum.  She didn't realize weres were so damn unstable emotionally speaking.  It was like going over a hundred in a car and then having to slam on the brakes every few minutes.  Such behavior was likely to damage the actual machine.

     

    She thought about trying to talk to him about that but she got the impression the metaphorical door had been slammed in her face.  That was a good thing, it was what had to be after all.  Thinking of asking her out or not they couldn't handle this mess.  It was just too much for either of them, damaged as they were.  How long before the Vanguard found out and mowed Kai down?  Or he suffered an episode that left her hurt and him hating himself for the rest of his days?  Hell how long until he got bored of her?  This was better surely.

     

    That didn't help the pain much though as Kai finally got on the same train of thought...and then some it seemed.  Mack scowled and opened her mouth to correct his words about being a freak and not going by Monk's.  After all the shop hadn't minded him there before why should it now?  She forced herself to close her mouth though and swallow the lump in her throat with the words tangling around it.  She told herself to leave it alone, it was better this way.  He'd be fine just like she was.

     

    She was fine...

     

    The thought didn't even sound near that in her head as she retreated back towards the couch in the living room.  The flask came out again and this time was completely drained as Mack tried to drown out the unexpected pain of rejection.  Something that made no sense because there was no rejecting.  Well ok maybe she was but there was good, sound, logical reasons for it.

     

    Good, sound, logical reasons for things...

     

    There was a clang as her flask suddenly hit the kitchen floor and a definite click before Mack realized what she was doing.  Green eyes blinking and brain focusing on the cold feel of the Para's barrel at her temple with the hammer cocked.  She blinked for a minute at it, feeling nothing about how dangerous it was to have it pointing at her. There was however a weighing of things, for there was also plenty of good, sound, logical reasons for her to just pull the trigger.  

     

    Kai might have claimed to be unfeeling but she knew better, it didn't match his actions and in some cases his words.  In this particular situation though Mack could empathize and easily believe anyone on.  As she had told Kai...she and Death were old friends but it always seemed like he never quite got a hold of her when she expected it.

     

    "I don't want to die," She sighed out, hitting the safety and putting the gun down again.  The armor of bravado and practicality slipping and leaving her feeling raw and exposed for a moment.  Exhaustion on so many levels weighing her down like chains along with loneliness and being completely at a loss.  She tried her best to find her way by helping others and fixing things but it always seemed to take a chunk out of herself in the end.

     

    In the end she wasn't much different than Kai was she?

     

    "I just don't know how to live," she whispered quietly to herself as she scrubbed her hands over her face hoping to wake up and have everything be just a bad dream.

     

    She was just tired and scared.  Not for herself...or not entirely at least.  She wanted Kai to be safe.  

    How hard was that to understand?  He wouldn't be safe with her, were or not.  

     

    Mack moved to the couch again, settling on it's comfy cushions.  Her flask forgotten on the floor and her palms pushed into her eyes in a futile effort to keep tears from falling in frustration and pain.  The pillow Kai had been using pulled over and hugged to her so she could muffle herself while she curled into a miserable little ball.  She hated to cry but it didn’t seem like she was going to get much choice in that so she might as well just let it go.  She could however do her best not to disturb Kai anymore than she already had though.  She’d made things hard on him enough as it was.

     

    It only took a few moments before she slipped from blubbering to sleeping.  A month of poor sleep catching up and mixing with the miserable need to cry for what was to Mack no good reason.  Tear tracks on her face and wet spots lurking on the pillow when she slipped into dream land...that was surprisingly lacking in it’s nightmares this time.

     

    Dreams however were a completely different matter.

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    Eyes flicked toward the door, clang in the kitchen bringing fingers away from rubbing his eyes.  The other sound, it had registered before something had hit the floor, a whisper of metal sliding off his kitchen table. He was already moving, the power of a Were incredibly light, a ghost whispering along the outside of the kitchen wall in time to hear the familiar voice of his Para.  Eye peered around the corner.  He would never make it in time, and his presence would probably cause her to pull the trigger.

     

    The world froze, silenced and screaming simultaneously in his already pounding skull.

     

    "I don't want to die,"

     

    He wasn’t breathing, the click of its safety bringing his eyes to close.

     

    "I just don't know how to live,"

     

    Her footsteps were moving and he slid around the edge of the hall wall out of her sight, listening, knowing exactly where she was.  Even before his senses were blown wide open, he was a master of watching without using his eyes.  Stoic, deadly patience.  The crouch was immediate, jaw flicking, unsure of exactly what was fluttering in his chest when the first scent of tears twinged in his nostrils... sound of her sobs bringing brows down in a mixture of confusion and tightened throat.  He heard people cry every day.  The Were consoled them, put them in the right direction, propped them up to get them there.  He had no idea what to do when it was him that was the problem.  Pulling out of his crouch, he sat down in the hall, legs extended in front of him and hands at his sides- just listening, letting the buzz slide away and the reality sink in.  This is what he caused, this is what being a Were did… and it was horrible to witness.

     

    The soldier in him was so aware, and sometimes so unaware of time- perfect in his execution of restricted events, eternally tolerant when it was required to remain for hours on end without moving.  He could hear the change in breath, her sleeping not bringing much comfort, completely oblivious to how long he’d been sitting there and staring at a spot on the hardwood floor.  The numbness had returned in its comforting and unnerving hollow ache, it was welcomed with open arms.

     

    He could now move around within his own home.  Sliding easily to his feet, silence moved to the kitchen and picked up the flask from the floor to set on the counter next to the sink. Retrieving his Para, he also collected the pieces of her Beretta and returned to his workspace.  When stressed, he worked.  Finite adjustments on his own rifle completed as it was cleaned and snapped back together only to be locked in its case and slid under the desk.  The Beretta was gone over with a fine toothed comb, the care in polishing it and putting it back together rivalled the upkeep of his own- small adjustments made.  It was a scrapper of a gun; rough and tumble at close range, it shot straight and rarely failed.  It was a good gun.  Finishing, he locked his Para’s away in his room and returned to the kitchen to fold a towel neatly next to her flask and leave the Beretta on it.

     

    Couch was approached in silence, blanket unfolded silently and settled on top of her gently.  He wasn’t really sure what he was going to do.  Wasn’t sure how long she would sleep. He had a few things to take care of across the hall, probably best to be ready to leave when she woke so he could leave for the hospital when she took off.  Lifting the keys off the ring at the door, he left his own apartment door cracked and keyed into Mrs. Kolcheck’s, leaving the door open in case Mack started moving around.  Light clicked on, the Were collecting some things from her room that she would need.  She was very particular about what she used, he couldn’t imagine it was making her very happy to have to suffer with what they told her to use.  Pulling her favorite bag from the closet, he made quick work of the small packing session and locked up her apartment, putting the bag next to his door and relocking his own silently to retreat to his haven.

     

    Don’t stop.

     

    Don’t stop.

     

    God damn it Kai!

     

    Footsteps had paused at the couch, reaching to gently tuck a lock of hair back from her face that had escaped from a frayed ponytail and seemed to be tickling her nose.  He couldn’t. No matter how viciously solitary he wanted to be and hate the world, with her he just couldn’t.  Leaning in gently, he brushed his lips softly to her temple, tucking the blankets up before stealing away to his fortress of solitude. 

     

    Bitter.  It was a weird feeling.  Anger was familiar, the two tangling together to form the frustration that was testing his tolerance.  Turning off the light to his desk, he transferred his perch to an easy chair near the window, plucking his favorite book from the shelf and turning on the lamp next to the chair.  Settling in with a sigh, he tried to read, the words blurring together and sentences re-read several times for understanding. Just a moment, he would lean his head back and close his eyes for just a moment, open book to his chest as he too… in several moments found oblivion.

     

    Except, he did not dream, he relived.  He did not sleep, he remembered.  Mack drank to ease her nightmares. The Were used something much more potent to settle his rare sleep, and twice in the same day he hadn’t urged himself into oblivion with false means… still in his bag in the kitchen.  It wasn’t long before whispers had randomly began to move across his lips.  Unintelligible at first, quickly delving into a quiet one sided conversation that twitched his muscles every so often.  One conversation would slide away, silence again… until another would begin as quietly as before, Russian seemed to be the language of choice this time, that too whispering away as silence finally fell across the apartment.

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    One emerald eye blinked open, blinking owlishly a moment before Mack pushed herself straight.  Her eyes opening and closing rapidly as her brain registered sunlight instead of just lamps on.  Her place never got much of that.  She also didn't have a couch or an impeccably clean floor either in her place.

     

    Oh...right, she wasn't at her place.

     

    With a grunt and the popping of joints as she stretched Mack got to her feet.  Her mental auto-pilot on since she had always been terrible in the mornings.  She required at least a cup of coffee before her brain even remotely started to work and usually it took two before she was coherent enough for anything.  After feeling like she'd slept for a year or two on Kai's couch, she was sure she would need a gallon to finish waking up.

     

    At least there had been no nightmares.  That was more than a little surprising considering it had been something of a crappy roller-coaster of a night emotionally speaking.  She would have thought she'd be stuck awake and screaming but apparently something in the apartment was enough to claim her brain and let her get a decent night's rest. 

     

    Shambling around like someone infected with zombie, Mack managed to hunt down proper coffee and get the machine going.  She sat waiting for it with her chin on the counter and eying the machine like a puppy who's food was just out of reach for a moment before her brain pointed out she should get her clothes on.  Much as she liked Kai's sweats he would be wanting them back.

     

    Where was Kai for that matter?  Sleeping still?

     

    She refused to hunt until she had some life in her blood stream.  As soon as the machine stopped dripping the last of ambrosia Mack got a mug, poured herself some, and chugged it in spite of the heat.  She scalded her tongue but at least she felt more awake and alive now.

     

    She filled the mug back up before shuffling off to see where her host was.  A quick peek showed him not to be in his room and since the bathroom was open and she hadn't seen him in the kitchen or living room that left the back room that she had not gone into. 

     

    It turned out to be a swanky office area, which made sense she supposed given that Kai did technically have his own business.  She had to smile a little to see him passed out in an arm chair and muttering to himself.  She wasn't sure what he was saying but she rather hoped he was dreaming something pleasant...pleasant and not featuring her.  She had to add that last bit as her brain tried to veer off into the gutter again on her.  At least it could let her have more coffee in her system before doing that crap.

     

    Taking a fortifying drink from her mug Mack set it down nearby, thinking to see how Kai was doing before she left at least.  Except her eyes hit the digital clock when she put the mug down and saw that she was late for work...by two hours!

     

    Mack barely managed to keep her swearing under her breath so as to let Kai sleep.  She didn't have time for checking on his state now!  Christ her Corporal was going to have her hanged for this!  

     

    "I'll come back to check on you.  Promise," she told what she believed was a sleeping Kai as she gently ran her fingers over his hair like she had been last night.  Feeling guilty about doing what Kai had been saying she would last night.  She wasn't meaning to just leave him like this after all, but if she was going to keep her job she needed to get her ass moving.  Hopefully he would understand that.  "Maybe...things won't be so off and tense when I come back.  Maybe I'll be able to explain myself better when not so tired and nervous too."

     

    Her mind was already off and running, trying to think of a good reason to be so late that might keep her from being roasted on the spot from her superior that didn't include staying up with a were-kitty or sleeping in because nightmares were draining.  She didn't think a thing of it as her fingers crept down to Kai's jaw to linger before she stole a quick kiss from his lips.  She was busy thinking of the chewing out she was going to be on the receiving end of to really think twice about her actions and why it was a bad idea.

     

    She headed hurriedly for the door, already taking off the sweat shirt and the t-shirt in one over the head motion before she even got out of the office.  She hopped down the hall back to where her clothes were while kicking off the sweats, standing in just her undies for a moment before she got her own clothes on and started hunting for her coat.  She couldn't remember where she had left it for a moment before she did.  Feet being stuffed quickly into boots as she hopped her way to the door.  Hot coffee abandoned in the office and her Beretta and flask completely unnoticed on the counter as she left in a rush to get to work fixing what was broken.

     

     

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